 Dateline January 1, 1900
French Felines Frenzy! "My pampered Persian, Priscilla, would
be a perfect hostess for Mr. Twain," gushed Mme. Gabrielle
LaCrosse. Priscilla silently agreed, preening herself with grace and verve, but this correspondent
suspects Mark Twain might prefer a cat of a more swashbuckling
demeanor. After all, he also said, "Ignorant people think it's the noise which fighting cats make that is so aggravating, but it ain't so; it's the sickening
grammar they use."
 San Francisco, California - The pack of maurading dogs that has been terrorizing neighbors south of Market Street have at last met their comeuppance. This reporter watched last night as a band of cats warmed to the challenge, despite the cold New Year's Eve weather. The cats, 20 strong in number, formed a phalynx and stood their ground as the hapless canines approached. Folks, the hissing, yelping, and flying fur were awesome to behold, and when the dust settled, the dogs had turned tail and headed back to whence they came. The band of cats were last seen sauntering into Mulligan's Fish Market for an evening repast and a New Year's toast of cream from a saucer. When asked for a comment, Tuffy, the ringleader of the ferocious felines, merely uttered, "Pfffft! They had it coming." Salem, Massachusetts - Rebecca Devrier, noted seer, has reported the return of her familiar, Tavist. The pair were reunited after two weeks of separation, when Miss Devrier received an anonymous tip following the newspaper article in last week's Salem Sentinel. Tavist was located in a brewery on South Delaware street, where he had been gainfully employed as a mouser, and rewarded with all the food and drink he could consume. Miss Devrier said, "I never doubted that he would return. I've seen visions, and felt his presence. I suppose I shall have to increase his rations henceforth." Tavist commented, "Burp."
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Happy New Year, Everyone! We're going to have a great year!
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