Move your food dish from one side of the house to another. Enlist a partner if the dish is heavy. Most stubborn humans will move it back into the kitchen. You've now created an interactive kitty-human game. Every time your human moves it back, wait until she is not around, then move it again (stealth is important). After a couple of weeks, many humans will concede, and will leave the food dish in your purrfurred location.
It's now time four Round 2. You guessed right: move the food dish back into the kitchen. Bonus points are given in Round 1 for choosing the bathtub as your purrfurred location. It's a little challenging, but it can be done.
The Figure-8
When she's walking from one room to another, wind around her legs, in and out, rubbing and purring. This is especially effective if she is carrying something, but watch out for spilled hot coffee! It's best to practise this trick when she is barefoot or wearing slippers. If she steps on your tail, extra points for a blood-curdling meeooowtch! Her screams of fright will more than compensate for the momentary pain, and if you play the guilt trip game, you might even be rewarded with Kitty Krack and lovies.
Cat-Assisted Computer 101
Help your human on the computer. When you see her actively engaged, jump on her lap and climb up her chest until she bobs her head to look around you. Force her to do the one-finger type while she pets you or holds you with her other hand. An alternative technique is to nuzzle her fingers as she types. A little drool is indicated here, along with some shedding. Copious cat spit and fur is great for holding together a keyboard. Keep in mind all the while that this is your cat house and that you are doing your human a huge favor in human-proofing it.
Mind Games:
Skruffy and Veto (Kitty Net Members) vow: "One must keep the humans in a state of dazed befuddlement at all times, and to that end we must mess with their heads."
- The Hand That Pets:
Love that warm, cozy feeling when your human pets you? Capitalize on it with a fabulous mind game: After you've had your fill of petting, carefully and meticulously clean off ALL the remnants of human scent from your fabulous fur. Extra points for "annoyance ears" while going about your washing. You want her to get the message that what she thought was her home is really a cat house, and it will drive her wild! Extra points for cleaning her hand before she pets you. Some more obtuse humans might think it's a gesture of love, but the savvy ones will get the message. - The Lost in the Wilderness Cry
One easy-to-master tactic is the "Lost Soul in the Wilderness" cry. "This is simply an extended, hollow, mournful cry, repeated at close but erratic intervals during darkest night. Act indifferent when the human is roused to action." - Skruffy and Veto The Fixed Stare
Similarly, the fixed stare at a random point on the wall causes humans to come unglued. Pick a spot, stare, and refuse to break your gaze or shift position until your human is standing on chairs listening to the wall with a stethoscope. (Such fun!) - Skruffy and Veto- The Ultimate Mind Game: Hide and Seek
While human-proofing, find the best hiding place in the house. The cubbyhold under the stairs is good, or the back of a deep closet. If your human has a king-sized bed, try underneath, exactly in the middle. Wait until her back is turned, then disappear. It may take awhile for her to notice your absence, so prepare for a long snooze (right after lunch is a good time for this game). Make sure you wake in time to hear her frantic calls for you. Be very quiet and do not fall for lame human tricks like rattling the food bag or using the can opener. After an hour or two of enjoying your human's antics as she searches for you, wander out from your hiding place, and while doing a great deal of yawning and blinking, wrap yourself around her legs.Bonus Round of Hide and Seek: Set the scene for this last game by stationing yourself near the outside door, and every time your human opens it, make a feint dash for the door. Warning: Don't actually go out the door (it's very dangerous out there), but act as though it's your heart's desire. You can up the ante by meowing loudly and scratching at the door at odd times of day and night. Then, when you are ready to play the game for real, chances are that your human will immediately think that somehow you managed to slip out. Extend your hiding time in this variation by waiting until she has typed and printed 20 color Lost Cat flyers and distributed them around the neighborhood. (You may need to enlicit the help of your cat-housemates in letting you know.) Then, upon her return, emerge from your hiding place. You'll reign as King or Queen of your cat house and its human-proofing will be complete!
